On Learning to Love Yourself...

It's been going on as long as I can remember, and it started some time during my elementary school years. That little voice that instigates comparisons and tells me I'm not good enough. I can be watching a TV show filled with beautiful people that basically aren't real people and start wondering how I can make my thighs not touch like the lead character. I can be out with others and meeting new people and start worrying that I'm not as witty or funny to keep up with the group. Or one of my friends makes a new friend that has different, cooler interests than mine, and I immediately try to figure out how I can prevent myself from being replaced.

I know I'm not the only one who does this, and I can't just call it a "girl thing." But a certain female writer recently put this sensation into words in a way that I never could:

What Men Want In A Woman by Chelsea Fagan

I read this piece at work the other day and started tearing up, not because I just went through a break up (no worries guys, me and the boy are still going strong after 3 1/2 years), but because I've felt everything she writes about at one point or another in my life. I know what it's like to feel the need to change every single part of myself to the point where I'm not me anymore just to meet someone else's expectations, and know deep down that it still won't be what they need.

"I have people in my life — including, yes, a man — who have chosen to be there because of what existed there already. And when I was torturing myself over the loss of someone who never really wanted me, the idea that I could have changed his mind is what really killed me." - Chelsea Fagan

 This has been a tough lesson to learn, especially as someone who looks to constantly keep improving themselves. I know I can always do something better than I've done it before and there's a fine line between improvement and changing who you are. Of course, when you think about that, you start overthinking all your decisions and drive yourself crazy.

But as I was saying, it's a tough lesson to learn, and it applies to more than romantic relationships. Friends, work, family, I know I'm always striving to everyone's ideal in these relationships. I want to be exactly what they want in a daughter, sister, friend, employee. What I've recently learned is that changing my own interests or aiming for impossible physical goals won't work. If anything, it will eliminate what these people liked about me in the first place.

I had an epiphany with this a couple months ago when I felt jealous of my boyfriend's friends that love and are great at video games. I like them but I don't want to play them all the time, and I'm not particularly great at them. After expressing said jealousy, he told me something that kind of blew my mind, which was that he loved me for what I'm into, not for me trying to be into the same things he likes. It shouldn't be mind-blowing, right? That's something I should just understand after 3 1/2 years together, or after being friends with someone for a long time, or having a job for about two years.

Which leads me to this next piece:

You Deserve Love As Big As Your Thighs by Alexandra Bochetto

I won't delve too far into the body positive message of this one (as I have done so before, here), but I'll say that the title of this piece is brilliant.

When I leave my home and walk past people on the street, I’ll constantly fix myself – keep my shirt from riding up, elongate my neck to make sure that sinful double chin isn’t sticking out to ruin everyone’s view. Because despite physically being alone, I am never quite alone. - Alexandra Bochetto

I'm figuring out just how exhausting it is to constantly compare myself to others. When I meet another girl, I need to stop noticing all the ways she's better than me and why people will like her more than me. I especially need to stop comparing my size and shape to theirs, because it's usually different in ways that are impossible to fix (and in ways that I should really just embrace).

Everyone is different and it's beautiful, and it's what makes bringing new people into our lives interesting. And when you find someone that loves the shit out of you just for being you, then you shouldn't agonize over what they like about other people that you don't have.

I think a huge part of this is accepting that there are people out there that love you exactly as you are. Many people will try to change you and make you feel bad to incite some change, but the ones that matter just want you to be your awesome, weird, quirky self. As Paul Rudd said in Knocked Up, "do you ever wonder how somebody could eve like you?" All the time. And we - and by we I mean me, of course - need to stop wondering that.

Every over-enthusiastic women's magazine I read tells me that confidence is the sexiest trait you can have, and that's the only piece of advice I'll ever take from them. It's totally true. When you meet someone who isn't insanely self-conscious or putting on a mask all the time, it's refreshing. And so I'm making it my goal for the rest of the year - since resolutions aren't only for the beginning of the year - to silence those voices that tell me I'm not good enough or smart enough, and just learn to love myself as I am. There is always room for improvement, but I can't lose myself in the process.

On Self-Doubt, Over Indulgence, and Strong Umbrellas...

So I did something stupid the other day.

I started writing a blog post that had an actual theme and sense of direction...and then I thought it was stupid and I erased it. And then I thought about it today and realized there are many more stupid things on the Internet than my thoughts on inspiration (which is what the blog was about).

Yeah, the Internet is full of useless, unwarranted opinions and ideas, but unless I write a blog post that says, "sigh..." or "I wish I wasn't sick," then I'm really not doing any harm, right? And I suppose if I'm not making it any worse, then I should just post what I want?

What I'm getting at is that self-doubt is one of the worst deterrents to creativity...and it's kind of my downfall. If you're going to pursue something creative, you have to put yourself out there and not everyone will agree with you, or like what you do, or find any value in it. But I think there's value in taking that plunge, because a lot of people aren't willing to do that.

The Internet is the biggest audience available to everyone, and it's so easy for people to be critical on here. Not that anyone is going to come across my little personal blog, but I guess it terrifies me to think that someone would come on here and call me out on being wrong/stupid/wrong/uninformed/wrong....yeah I really don't like when people flat-out tell me I'm wrong unless it's some concrete fact that I've flubbed. It comes from past experience of trying to put my two cents in on forums and comment sections that I didn't know were unofficial exclusive clubs. I digress.

I realize that everyone won't find what I say interesting, but I guess they don't have to read then? And so that's why I thought I would give you all this super important vital information tonight.

If you ever visit me when I haven't planned to have people over or didn't plan on staying in with visitors, then you'll know that I rarely have snacks in my apartment. I always tell people it's because I'll eat them all very quickly, and they laugh and say something like, "don't we all!" No, I don't think we all do like I do. I decided to indulge during my last Trader Joe's visit figuring it's better to treat myself to a snack rather than going crazy (even though it's been a LONG time since I've bought snacks), and when I saw their caramelized onion dip sitting there looking delicious on the shelf (and it reminded me of this dip that I make using reduced-fat items rather than fat-free ones that can make things taste fake), I had to do it. You can't have dip without chips, so I opted for their crinkle-cut salt and pepper chips.

I bought these on Sunday...that BIG bag of chips I bought is now halfway gone...I ate most of them tonight.

You know, if you have to stay late at work for an event and don't feel like cooking when you get home, it's not a good idea to just go at that bag of chips like they're Ryan Gosling (even though I'm pretty sure he would say, "Hey girl, I can tell you've been working out, why don't you take a night off and treat yourself"). Because as you eat them faster and faster and add more and more of that delicious onion dip to each chip, you'll start to realize that you've eaten so many that they're starting to make you ill, and then you'll be thankful that you're not expecting any company because your breath definitely smells awesome now.

You also shouldn't follow up that chip fest with something sweet, especially if that "something sweet" is a package of pink Peep hearts, even if they're also delicious, because you WILL regret this combination. Seriously, I just brushed my teeth and stuck out my tongue and found it to be cartoon pink. And then I thought about the mixture of all the things I ate and once again felt ill.

Other things learned tonight: don't paint your nails if you don't have time for them to dry before you take a shower. In my defense, it was a dire nail painting situation. I have this gross nervous habit of biting my nails unless they're covered in polish, and I must have been really nervous about something (perhaps that I wouldn't get enough chips in my diet?) because my nails are dang short. So I took a break from writing this, watched a DVR-ed episode of New Girl and painted my nails without really looking at my nails because Zooey Deschanel is so damn charming, and it resulted in some gloppy looking blobs at the tips of my fingers. I fixed it up, added a gold accent nail to each hand of freshly painted black nails, added a top coat and then brushed the dirt off my shoulders because I was pretty proud of it all. Then half an hour later I took a shower and it all went to hell.

So now my nails look like I had them done by a five-year-old. Don't get your nails done by a five-year-old.

Another lesson I learned today, but in a positive way? If you're going to live in New York, get a sturdy umbrella. I have the best umbrella of all time, and it's from Wal-Mart of all places. It's clear and bubble-like, so I can pull it down to the point where it touches my head and still see where I'm going. It also doesn't get annihilated by the wind, and it proved itself tonight while I walked to the train in freezing rain and strong wind.

That pretty much covers all my important life lessons for the day. Hopefully you can all learn from these egregious mistakes. Oh, and don't forget to put yourself out there. We can only grow from it.